Posts Tagged ‘Love’

Khiladi misses his mark!

To all those who know me, would know the amount of effort it takes me to part with my money for a Bollywood movie. It is not snobby, it is just that there is a limited amount of song and dance I can take in a movie.

So in this case something went wrong!

We are all (at least by now) aware of the whole Nanavati shooting case and the resultant media hyperbole. So when Rajiv Bhatia aka Akshay Kumar decided to make a movie about something this fascinating, I admit I was caught in the wave. Throw in the fact that Akshay K. has been critically acclaimed for his recent string of movies like Baby, Airlift, Holiday, Special 26, Oh My God etc., curiosity got the better of me and unfortunately it is this curiosity which killed the cat/my brain.

Bollywood can’t do without extras. Be it in dance sequences, where random girls wear short clothes of the same color and dance behind a female lead wearing even shorter clothes (but always of a different color), or action sequences, where big guys try and fight the lead but their punches land a mile from his body or (alas) a “true” story, where despite the story already being written out, writers have to go and muck up the truth to make it more appealing for the masses. (Or this is the excuse I have read/heard each time)

Rustom had all the elements needed for a brilliant movie. A story of love, betrayal, murder, the armed forces, courtroom drama and no “mein tumahre bachche ke maa banne waali hu” crap. Then where did it all go wrong?

……

Rustom Pavri (the infallible Akshay Kumar) is a decorated naval officer who finds out his wife Cynthia Pavri (the glycerin addicted Ileana) is having an affair with his friend Vikram Makhija (the man with limited talent, Arjan Bajwa).  Upset, but still able to think rationally (Naval training you know!) Rustom, heads to Vikram’s house and shoots him with the revolver provided by the Indian Navy. Rustom turns himself in and the movie moves to a courtroom drama and media frenzy ensues mixed with a wee bit of regionalism. Now despite the disclaimer (which is what gave the director the reason to muck up the picture) the movie is still got the basics right and somehow this is what makes it worse.

The movie at the end of its two and a half hours, doesn’t leave you with a feeling of satisfaction but more with a “Why did I watch this? Reading the story on Wikipedia was more interesting”. And if we all believe that books can never be as good as the movie, then how bad a director are you when your movie is worse than a Wikipedia page?

Akshay Kumar is the only saving grace! He is the Will Smith of Bollywood. Movies starring him are made…FOR him. I would assume he takes about 80% of the screen time whilst the rest of the cast act as puny cogs working in the shadow of the behemoth. Ileana, I think has about 3 dialogues in the first 90 min and probably 20 more in the last 60 min. Her time is spent in trying to wear clothes that give her the look of a 1950’s stylish woman and based on her crying, is ready to OD on glycerin. Esha Gupta who acts as Preety Makhija (Vikram’s sister), on the other hand thinks she is dressed for a Tim Burton meets David Lynch movie, but her look is more 5th Element mixed with the Hitchhikers Guide. In her attempt to appear as a 1950’s flamboyant socialite she ends up forgetting to act. (No! Pouting all the time is not acting). I can only think that she wore those clothes as a favor to her friend who is a failing fashion designer because, real people don’t wear those clothes, not in 1950 and judging by what Priyanka Chopra wore, not in 2050 either. Also kudos to Arjan Bajwa, his acting skills are horrible and he was one of the very few people who did not disappoint. He was shot early saving him the frugality of being a part of this movie for longer.

The weakest link in the movie is the writing and it is so bad that I’d start a petition to have Vipul K Rawal’s desktop, laptop, tablet, mobile, pen, papers, and chalks all taken away from him just for OUR safety. I would go a level ahead by recommending highly pressurized acupuncture procedure to kill his nerve endings and hence his ability to hold a pen, but then I guess this review would be moving to a dark place. Thus for now I’d just recommend we break all his keyboards and pens!

Dharmendra Desai who also worked with Akshay Kumar in Special 26 is somehow unable to recreate the magic here and he has no one else to blame but Vipul. When there is an existing story, why would you write something equivalent to Great Grand Masti? When you have a courtroom drama and you could have made something of the quality of ‘A Few Good Men’, why would you write something that is worse than Jazbaa! (Sorry Ash fans, but you know that movie sucked too!). The courtroom scenes were horribly sketched, making Tareek Metha’s pitiful show seem like Seinfeld.

For those calling this a courtroom drama…shame. For those calling this a murder mystery ….shame and for those rating this movie more than 4/10…..shame …shame (rings the bell).

 

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Thoughts: The 5th Wave….of disappointment!

If there is anything to prove that our future is bleak, it is watching our next generation grow up. Right from their music (that God awful Beaver and his donkey braying!), to reading horse shit like Twilight, the future is clear and it is depressing. All forms of art will soon die and their collapse is imminent, and future historians will probably pin down this decade as the trigger of our civilization’s cultural collapse.

However I digress and that too, is because I have just seen what can only be classified as the pivot in our cultural downfall and it takes its roots in the wormhole that is young adult science fiction. From the genre that gave us masterpieces like the Divergent series, the Maze Runner, I am Number four, Eragon and many such ‘gems’, comes yet another mind blowing crap fest; The 5th wave. The movie is based the first book in the trilogy written by the ex –IRS collector Rick Yancey. The book was a big hit (sigh) and having not read the book I will refrain from making assumptions here.

Seeing that this is a review, I shall delve into the basics and try and explain to the best of my ability how this movie goes. Average high school girl crushes on boys, aliens come, mommy dies, Army takes over, brother is captured by army, daddy dies, girl fights to get her brother, aliens are good guys, army is bad guys, Colonel (or is he a General?!) dies. Girl kisses alien. Ka-BOOM! (Everything explodes).The End!

There I saved you a couple of bucks!

The saving grace in this movie would be Chloe ‘Grace’ Moretz (see what I did there,:)) as the lead. She does a decent job of acting like the confused sap of a teenage girl, who crushes on her class boys, loves her family and dotes on her little brother. Alas, she has dropped a long way from her kick-butt-first-ask-questions-later avatar of Hit Girl (Ref: Kickass), but well, a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do! So here we see her in a pretty different role, albeit not a good role, but she does a decent job in it.

The rest of the cast, not so much!

As with all Young Adult Sci-Fi movies, the visual effects were something that could make or break them and somehow I think this one broke. J. Blakson (Director) is pretty new to the scene of movies (I believe it is his 2nd foray as a director of full length motion picture) and on the bright side, he can only go up from here. But he has a long long looooong way to go up, and even then he might just make the tail end of the average director’s herd.

The story of the movie is flat, and there is nothing (and I do mean nothing!) interesting about it. It is so predictable, that you feel you have already seen this movie earlier. And of course logic takes a back seat here, I mean it deals with an alien race which can cause earthquakes and tsunamis and spread viruses and yet need children to kill adults as a way to take over the planet. Most inefficient bunch of morons I’d say. Heck! Paul and ET had a better chance of taking over our planet and don’t even get me started on what would happen if the aliens from Independence Day saw these guys and their attempt.

The movie works well on one level (assuming we have the attention span of a goldfish) and that is some of the individual scenes (very select few) work well on their own. If it weren’t for the bad writing, the gaping holes in logic, the horribly developed characters and the completely unnecessary romantic “tension” crow-barred-in the movie, this has the potential of competing with some of the better B-Grade flicks like Sharkando, or Megashark vs Crocosauraus or even Humshakals.

However for a majority of the roughly 112 minutes, there were instances where I was hoping to stick the straw from my coke up my nose and flood my brain with the cola!

Much like the 5 stages of dealing with grief, there are 5 waves depicting the demise of our culture here and these are:

  • The decline of the music industry
  • The death of Literature
  • Twerking
  • The remorse of seeing our youth icons
  • This movie!

In the end, if you are not a girl aged between 11-15 years old …. Or you are Jaden Smith, you should definitely avoid this movie like the plague.

 

Thought: Why Don’t You Love Me too!

I am quite delighted that most of my readers loved the last article (Ref: Why Dont You Love Me). I think I have found my true calling (Cue Braveheart theme song). Men and women need guidance in this ridiculous world of dating, meeting, sleeping and yes talking to each other. Let me be your guiding light, let me be your shining star and let me help you navigate these treacherous waters.

The last post talked about how women can find men and what they need to do to “Keep it Real”. Just to ensure that this isn’t a one sided conversation and I am not speaking like a sexist pig, I shall be unbiased and pure in my suggestions/recommendations to all. Thus, here is my next set of thoughts, solely for men.

How to get picked up by women

Tip1: As is with women, the same goes with men. As per the latest reports you are to look like Ryan Gosling or some Channing Tatum guy with a physique of either one. Stop eating the damn cheese. Women aren’t as shallow, but looking like the guys above raises your chances significantly and the odds will be forever in your favor. (Yes I borrowed that phrase too)

Tip2: Don’t fart! Don’t belch the alphabet.  Don’t scratch our butt, your groin or any other part of your body in public. Comb you hair and wash your face. Let’s call these basics, most of you outside look like you have been run over by a lawnmower cause your clothes look like you lost a bet with the homeless guy who lives below your building. A majority seem have never seen the front end of a shower with that miraculous element called water dropping from it. I don’t go to the extent of saying “suit up”, but lets pull up those jeans and comb the hair. Shaving works well too, unless you look like Gerard Butler.

For those of my male counterparts who haven’t agreed with this, its ok, there is still hope for you. (Yes women have lowered their standards as evolution as gone on, I am shocked about it myself)

Tip 3: Under the assumption that you have done the above two and now look presentable we move on to the more intangible aspects. Be funny! Humor is a trait much desired and less distributed. If she laughs when you talk it’s a plus sign. Women love to laugh, actually even men love to laugh (so do dogs and cats but lets not get there). Be witty, read a book now and then and try to listen to what she says so have something more appropriate to reply to than ‘cool’.

That’s IT!

Yes I know it is less, it’s shockingly less, but what can I say…women have really let go. They have dropped their standards, dropped it low (sigh…oh so low) and they are ready to go out with anyone who can walk straight, not spit on her when he talks and knows English. Evolution has a funny way to presenting itself. Most of you on the street make the apes we evolved from seem more polished and Charles Darwin would incessantly turn in his grave if he saw you guys.

Anyway, as mentioned previously, hate the game folks, don’t hate the player.

 

Thoughts: Krisshhhiit!!

Yes I saw it…No I don’t know why. Sigh!

I saw this movie a week ago and I can still feel my brain cells slowly packing up and leaving. They are nervous, their voices echo in my head, “What if he decides to watch something like this again? How many more can we survive? 10% of the IQ team left, we are the last remaining…the horror….the HORROR!!” Ironically, the ones left behind were busy calculating the amount of alcohol needed to erase this from memory, and thus after a week of binging, I’m now dumb and drunk enough to do justice to this piece.

The movie can be summarized in three words. EPIC SHIT FEST. Bollywood has once again proven how far behind they are their global counterparts in making super hero movies. In a market where people have seen the likes of The Dark Knight and The Avengers, our internal production houses here make something the guy from “Saw” might force you to watch!

Krrish is still alive and kicking and if that wasn’t disappointing enough he remains the same, bobbling-head-garbage-bag-wearing-button-missing psycho. The movie starts with Krrish trying to live a normal life as Krishna by trying to hold down jobs such as a security guard or a waiter (Kudos to his dad for ending up as a scientist and seeing his son fighting to get blue collar jobs. Father of the Year award nominee.) and getting fired each time because he keeps running around distributing kids a cheap leather bracelet with a ‘K’ on it. But that it not a worry since his wife makes most of the money anyway and his father (who despite speaking like a retard) brings home the bacon. Krishna continues living his easy (and I mean really easy cushy) life.

The movie goes on pretty pointlessly for a while with Hrithik Roshan celebrating his birthday and Priyanka Chopra (whose main role I believe was only to pop out another fruitcake baby) dancing around wearing high heels to songs that could make a deaf person cry.

Enter bad guy, who apparently is a love child of an orgy between Professor Xavier, Jean Gray, a Goth head, a vampire and an eye liner: Kaal (Vivek Oberoi), who can move the whole world mentally but personally only move two fingers and is a super villain who wants money and wants to walk. Kaal of course has henchmen, who all seem to be ‘inspired by’ the X-Men series. We have Frog Man, Cheetah Woman, Ant Man, Scorpio Man, and Rhino Man who are all graduates from the School of Obvious Names for Henchmen. The only point of note is the Hench(wo)men, Maaya (the gorgeous Kangana Raunat who really does do justice to her spandex) whom Kaal has “created” by mixing DNAs with a chameleon. (Somewhere a blue colored Mystique covers herself with a plastic bag and loads a single bullet in the chamber). Maya can change shapes and become another….anything. (Yes you read that right, eat that Hollywood!)

Kaal wants to scare the world, he also wants to walk. Scaring the world is easier, walking a bit more difficult. To be able to walk he needs the bone marrow of Krrish’s dad, and Krrish obviously won’t allow that. Kaal anyway outsmarts Krrish and his dad, steals the bone marrow and becomes Robocop…uuuhhhhh…yea, best way to describe what I saw. Robocop in a cheap aluminum foil, I didn’t know if I was supposed to stick rotis in him to keep them warm or to just claw my eyes out.  Krrish and Kaal then fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, figghhtt, fiiigghhhttt, phew…and after destroying 95% of Mumbai, 40% of a kid’s innocence, 67% of our brain cells and 100% of our time, Krrish finally wins. (Spoiler alert! Yea like you think Kaal would win!!)

The movie has been directed by a 5 yr. old, the dialogues have been written by his 4 yr. old sister and the songs are written by a drunken 5 yr. old monkey. The acting is barely passable. Hrithik Roshan needs to really explain why he bobbles his head when he is wearing the mask, is it that tight, why doesn’t he just loosen the straps a little bit? Secondly, what is with the Marilyn Monroe-esq jacket always flying upwards, where is he standing and why is the wind always blowing up his skirt? Thirdly, why is he wearing a raincoat/garbage bag? The mind boggles!

Next we come to Priyanka Chopra….uuhhh (I forget what she did in the movie). Moving on to the rest of the cast, Vivek Oberoi is sniffing too much paint these days to pick up a role like this and Kangana Raunat…well, she pretty much did this for the money, its apparent.

This brings me to the biggest question, why does Rakesh Roshan want kids to watch this? Does he not want them to grow up in a world much more beautiful than his own? Does he not realize that kids are smarter now than they were before? Does he not know that we get Star Movies and HBO and have (obviously) seen X-Men????

The directing is below par, the action sequences could make onions cry and anything spoken in the movie be it in a dialogue or a song would make you want to pull out  the seat handles and stick them in your ears. This movie is a complete rip off from Hollywood super hero movies and K3 has a line at the end of the movie saying “Kids do not try this at home”, which is ironically something the Hollywood team might have told the guys here whilst attempting super hero movies.

Now I am not one to bad mouth Bollywood just because I think Hollywood movies are cooler, but in line of super heroes, you can’t compare Batman, Avengers, Kickass and the likes to something like Krrish. We still have a very long way to go and sadly due to Krrish, we begin at below ground zero.

Thoughts: Dabangg 2: Half the movie, twice the headache!

Yes I am back, and I know you 4 readers missed me.

I have plans this year, plans to write more (oh the horror!!!)

Cest La vie, wasn’t off to the best start. But all that is history now and today I begin with a fresh and renewed energy. So to get inspired I decided to see a movie…a piece of art, something that could instigate me, amuse me, motivate me, something that could bring to life the creative giant that lies in the dormant recess of my mind and tickle him. Something that could make me believe in magic, art, cinema and the vastness of the human mind.

I went to see Dabangg-2. Don’t say another word.

Slam-em Khan can do a better movie, he most definitely can. You know how I know that? Because a blind hobo living under a bridge and his partially deaf dog can do a better movie….a paraplegic man can do a better movie…but I guess I should not get carried away.

The movie was ok (ONLY IF YOU ARE IN A COMA!)

I don’t know why they didn’t pass out aspirins with the tickets! This movie seems like a little more of a college placement brochure video (You know the types, the college mascot stands in an ill-fitting suit with the SOLE pretty looking girl from the college talking about how the students spend time in the library working hard by picking up the biggest book on the shelf and pointing impressively at a line in the book and the rest work hard in the ‘state of the art’ computer facility on MS DOS or Excel and the maximum number of kids are playing basketball  etc all in the fake allure to convince some HR rep in a company that “Yes we study, we know how to use a computer and we are fit enough to sit in a desk job from 8 am to 8 pm 5 days a week”) Well this movie is just that….only worse. I have honestly seen brochure videos that are better!

Here is the movie’s story; Slam-em Khan comes…beats up baddies….Slam-em Khan dances. Next scene: Slam-em Khan comes….*dishoom dishoom* ….(insert some PJ from him, including but not limited to a fart joke or a dirty joke about marriage)…insert song and dance sequence….repeat steps until main bad guy gets beaten up to a pulp. The End!

As you can figure out, the movie lacks a story. Even Linsday Lohan in her crack-addicted, bleached blonde psycho stage could pen down a better script than what was passed off as a story in this movie. Salman Khan is a great actor….well ok, he’s a good actor….hmmm…well ok, he acts and his movies make millions. But if I wanted to see buffoonery I could switch on America’s Funniest Videos. There are a bazillion shows on television that makes more sense (and yes that includes Roadies!)

Salllu bhai really needs to focus on his core and stop doing trash like this. I was, rather still am a huge fan of Dabangg (and Munni….oh Munni *drool*) And I am completely on board with the debate that after Armageddon there would be only three clans left, one lead by Robocop, one lead by the Terminator and the rest of us huddled under Salman Khan’s left bicep. But this is trash and even Sallu bhai can’t make this movie good.

Dabangg in all its brashness was still a well conceived, well thought out and brilliantly executed movie. This one in comparison appears to be the work of a mentally unbalanced trauma patient with a handy cam. There is a lack of story and all characters are under developed. (To elaborate they are like those kids who acted as trees in the school annual day). The bad guy in the earlier movie for instance was well defined; he had an aim, a motive, a reason to be on camera, this one just seems like a Delhi boy who met a random south Indian who really had nothing else to do. I mean for God’s sake at least ensure that they LOOK similar. The three villains looked something right out of a UCB advertisement. One from up north, one from down south and the one who actually looked like he was from Kanpur (where the movie is based out of) was cheekily killed off early.

Sonakshi Sinha looks more of a man than Vinod Khanna and Arbaaz Kahn combined and most importantly she really shouldn’t dance next to Malaika Arora Khan….it is just pitiful to look at. The acting of all three plus the extras was put together ‘barely passable’. Not one character stood out in the movie (apart from our muscled super hero cop) and on a side note Kareena Kapoor is definitely not fit to be an item girl. (Again a special mention to Munni for setting the bar so high 🙂 )

Arbaaz Khan got lucky once, but he is no Ben Affleck and Dabangg in all its glory was no Good Will Hunting. He should now just sleep in the money he has made for the next few decades. He has never done one decent thing in his life apart from Dabangg and he should stop before he ruins his name after that. Salman Khan needs to really pick his socks. Having Eid is not a reason to make a movie. Sonakshi Sinha should just get that sex change operation done and over with. And the rest of the cast can go back to their mundane existence because I doubt this movie would make any spec of significance in their life.

For those who STILL didn’t get it, the movie is horrible and needs to be missed. (Yes I know it’s late to state that, but it’s usually how I end reviews, so had to say it)

…until the next time.