Too much number 2 and not enough Kahaani!

So I had the misfortune of watching yet another Vidya Balan movie…sigh.

Ever since she has put on weight and worn less clothes to make a disappointing biopic, she has been elevated to a demi goddess in our world of untalented cast of abs and legs, what we call Bollywood. On the other hand, there is Scarlett Johansson who gained 30 pounds, shaved off her eyebrows, won an Oscar and is currently the hottest Avenger……just saying!

Based on some feedback about how amaze-balls Kahaani was, the director obviously wanted to ruin it and decided to make a sequel, and now, not only have they messed it up, they have ensured that I never watch any more Vidya Balan movies, ever again!

The movie is so predictable that it defeats the purpose of being categorized as a ‘suspense/thriller’, so I will just tag this under family drama. Single mother Vidya Sinha (Vidya Balan) has but one dream, and that is to see her waist down paralyzed teenage daughter, Minnie (Tunisha Sharma/Naisha Khanna) walk. Vidya works as a small time clerk in a nearby school, trying to save money so that she can take Minnie to the US to get operated. The movie kicks off when Minnie is kidnapped and Vidya gets a phone call asking her to show up at a pre-determined time and location to see her daughter. Being the calm, composed and rational person that she is, Vidya jumps in front of a cab, falling (yet again) into a coma. (and yes, this is the reason the movie is called Kahaani 2, because the lead is not Vidya Balan, but coma).

Enter sub-inspector Inderjeet Singh (Arjun Rampal…I don’t care what you think…. drool!!) Inderjeet recognizes the woman in a coma as Durga Rani Singh, a criminal wanted for kidnapping and murder. (dah dah daaah!!) Inderjeet does some fascinating detective work, finds Vidya’s diary (cause yes, that’s just how school clerks roll!) and reads about her life. He finds out that Vidya was obsessed with a kid named Minnie who was punished daily for sleeping in class. Vidya befriends Minnie to find out the root cause of her narcolepsy. One thing leads to another and it turns out Minnie is spending too much of her sleep time with her pedophilic uncle Mohit Dewan (the long forgotten Jugal Hansraj). Arguments ensue and Minnie ends up jumping off the roof which leads her becoming paralyzed waist below…. soooo yes, Vidya’s daughter is the school kid Minnie. (Yawn!)

I won’t go more into the story because I feel the rest is something Minnie wrote herself.

Now I’m not too sure if our directors have some certifications or a degree or some sort of license that allows them to direct movies, but Sujoy Ghosh needs his, revoked and should commit to doing some community service as a punishment for the devastation he has caused by holding a camera. He might have been lucky with Jhankaar Beats, since it didn’t make me claw my eyes out, but movies like Home Delivery and Aladin are so painful that even their trailers hurt my head. He has delivered a below mediocre movie and has definitely used trained penguins to write the script.

As far as the acting goes, Vidya Balan needs a reality check. The last good thing she did was probably Hum Paanch and yes, Paa and Ishqiya might salvage her some pride. However, I still refuse to believe that The Dirty Picture was a movie worth watching. Her performance ranks right up the rest, forgettable and asinine.  Arjun Rampal does a decent job of a duty bound police officer and a loyal husband, but let’s face it, he hasn’t done anything that qualifies him as a real actor. Jugal Hansraj is …well…Jugal Hansraj, don’t even know if there is much I could say about him. The rest of the cast do their part time roles as best as the sad and disappointing script allows them to.

I haven’t seen Kahaani 1, but based on the awesome reviews and the hullaballoo around it I will take a safe bet and assume that it is head and shoulders above this one, and extrapolating this performance -if there is a Kahaani 3, then it could be identified as the beginning of the decline of our civilization.

The movie lacks everything to be tagged as a thriller and falls ridiculously short of expectations. As the movie progresses the pace slackens to a level where you think it might start moving backwards. And a special mention to the ending which makes The Jackass movie seem like Schindler’s List. Not sure what Sujoy Ghosh (also the writer) thought of the masses in this country, but I assume he considers all of us to be mentally less developed than a 7-year-old.

I just pray this is the end of Ghosh’s career since I am not paying a paise more to watch his farts on screen.

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