Thoughts: Tatti Tatti

Leaving aside that fact that I have now watched Romedy Now so often that I believe the channel and my cycles have synced, I went one step further and saw a romantic-comedy from Bollywood on the large screen. It featured a psychopathic scorned lover as the male protagonist and a stupid sexless woman as the female lead. The movie was called Tatti-Tatti, or something like that.

Not to say that Tatti-Tatti is a bad movie, but I would have rather spent my time getting my nails removed by sticking a screwdriver beneath them, while simultaneously having my hair individually removed from their follicles. With each passing scene and every passing minute I could feel myself grow old, senile and sense my grey cells banging against my cranium vying for a brain hemorrhage while the rest of my body cheered them on.

There are a horde of things I want to do before I die, and I remembered each and every one of them when this ludicrous crapfest of a movie, was being spewed at me at the rate of 24 frames per second. (Maddy is a moron!)

So in the interest of this being a movie review, let me start with the story. (Deep Breath….Exhale!)

Madhav Kabra (Imran Khan) is an architect who is in love with Payal (Kangana Ranaut) because of her “oh-I’m-so-cool-everyone-else-is-a-fool” attitude in life. She’s a filthy rich spoilt brat who doesn’t know her head from her ass. Madhav obviously falls in love with her. (Maddy is a moron!) Post graduating (I think they do graduate), they have a live-in relationship for 5 years, in a duplex in Mumbai that is worth Rs. 30000 pm in Mumbai. Leaving the fictional location aside, Payal one fine day leaves Maddy as she is now just not in love with him anymore. (Maddy is a moron!)

Maddy distraught “accidently” drinks poison….wait no, that would make sense, ah yes…drinks Phenyl. Cheaper alternative. (Maddy is a moron!). Maddy’s friends, Payal’s friends, his family, her friends, his ex-friends, his colleagues, everyone’s neighbors and even a stupid turtle says, “Dude! She’s just not that into you!! Get the F**k over it”. But does our hero listen….N frigging O. (Maddy is a moron!). Maddy clings to the belief that a girl who was with him for a few years can’t just be over him so easily. After all, he is an architect from a top notch college in Ahmedabad and he carried his paper-holster everywhere to prove it. So why, oh why is she not into him? (Maddy is a moron!)

Spoiler Alert: Maddy’s mom dies midway in the movie and Payal sees Maddy is very sad about it. Payal has cancer and she is about to die as well, so she decides that rather than tell him that she is about to die, she will break up with him, marry his arch nemesis from college and stop talking to him altogether in the effort that he ‘understands’. But of course….Maddy is a moron!

Long story short, he finds out, he cries, she slaps him, she cries, he acts like a moron, she reciprocates, she dies, he lives, he wakes up and laughs it off as a bad dream…..wait the last part was just me, and sadly not true. 😦  (Maddy is a moron!)

The movie is shown in a haphazard manner, where they jump between timelines past and present to try and give the user a feel of how confused they were while thinking about the story itself. With a mix of some horrible editing and some classless humor the movie is perfect for those days, when you are contemplating your purpose in life and wasting your time watching the movie would shake you up and scare you more than anything thus pushing you to pursue your dreams faster and harder. (Maddy is a moron!)

The direction is horrendous, though I can’t quite put my finger on why exactly. I mean this is the same person who has delivered the super-hit Kal Ho Naa Ho followed that up with Salaam-e-Ishq, then Chandani Chowk to China and followed those cult classics with Patiala House, Delhi Safari, D-Day, Help Me! I’m Losing My Touch in Direction and his last movie was Hero. (Alright I made one of those movies up, but if you think about it, that movie could be his biopic). As far as the acting talent on display goes, it’s laughable. Imran Khan needs his acting license revoked and Kangana needs to stick to roles like Revolver Rani or Queen where she can act as an illiterate, who is learning English.

The selling proposition of this movie is its….musi….uuhh…acti….hmm….storyli (HAHAHAHAHA) maybe the costumes!! (Closer)…and well, maybe the popcorn (caramel popcorn, slurppp!!) This brings me to an interesting part; a special newspaper (which shall not be named) gave this movie 3.5 stars out of 5 and no they weren’t being satirical.

On the plus side, Katti Batti is one of the freshest-looking movies around, young, modern and hip……..Imran simply rocks the nerdy glasses-and-stubble style while Kangana can clearly do boho-chic-chick ………a delicious mash of tattoos and linen shirts, ……spaghetti straps and stunningly tiled floors.”

So to sum up, they liked the clothes, the accessories and the tiled floors and they gave it 3.5/5. (Slow applause) (Maddy is a moron!)

Personally, the best part of the movie I think is the interval since that is when you can throw up the bile in your throat. Also, it’s only post movies like these that you realize why those security guards feel you up when you enter the theater. If I had a knife or a gun, I would have probably slit my wrist/shot myself, within the first 15 minutes. A budget of Rs 36 crore, a majority of which I sense was spent on getting Imran Khan the perfect hipster glasses and Kangana’s curly hair, could have been much better spent if they bought a quality writer….or even hired Russell Peters!! But sadly, what we get is a string of nonsensical, immature, unfunny, mismanaged bunch of crap, wrapped in glitter and sold to us under the pretext of a “movie”…… and a headache that lasts two days.

The horror…..the trauma….the disease!!

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