Thoughts: Dhoom 3 – Kuch Bhi

Yes I know, I know. I was warning others, to beware and be aware, to run for the hills and to save themselves Women & Children first!! People were to distance themselves from something that is a mix between Dhoom 1&2, Fast and the Furious, Prestige, Jumanji (Uday Chopra was the chimpanzee), the Road Runner and the Bugs and Daffy Show but alas, I failed myself. In my defense I was due to travel home for the holidays. (Sigh) The Prodigal son returned home and was greeted with a ticket to a movie that seems like something Darth Vader would give Luke.

Despite my ranting, my ravings, my warnings and all that is good and holy in this world, my fears came true. I ended up seeing Uday Chopra in a larger than life avatar and sadly no amount of Katrina’s legs can make up for this.

For those still contemplating (and the few of you who read my reviews regularly) I always give a brief about the story and here it is:
Chase Scene…Dance…Chase Scene…Katrina Kaif….Dance…Chase Scene….Katrina Kaif…Dance….(Intermission)….Dance…Katrina Kaif…Dance…Dance again….random talk…Aamir Khan kills himself. The End.

I guess you could figure out that wasn’t accurate. I wish I could say the same. 😦

So here is the real story, Circus goes bankrupt, Bank wants to reposes the area (which all good banks should do). Daddy can’t bear the closing of his circus, so in front of his 10 year olds pulls a gun and kills himself. Young boy learns that “Screw Hard work; Lets destroy the bank”. So now, using that same logic of “forks and spoons make people fat” Aamir Khan manages to swindle money from bank. Enter ACP Jai Dixit (Abhishek Bachchan) and (shudder) ‘comic relief’ Uday Chopra as Inspector Ali Akbar to save the Chicago PD. In the end Aamir Khan kills himself. (That part was true)

The whole movie seems unreal to say the very least. For some reason the bike which did everything but turn into the kitchen sink was supposed to be “cool” (somewhere in a junkyard Street Hawk rolls its headlights) but personally it seemed more on the lines of something Wile E. Coyote picked from Acme Stores and Supplies to hunt the Roadrunner.

The acting was at best below par. Aamir Khan does a half decent job as the “Joker Thief” a.k.a. Chup Chaap Charlie (I cannot make this up folks, that was his name), but from an actor whom we have seen come up with cults such as Dil Chahata Hai, Sarfarosh & Andaaz Apna Apna, Chup Chaap Charlie puts him at par with Sunny Deol’s dance director. Abhishek Bachchan needs to learn that there can be more than one facial expression per movie. His acting here, makes Tusshar Kapoor’s in Golmaal seem like Jean Dujardin’s role in The Artist. For a top cop he has never managed to catch one crook for now what is it, ten years? Geez!

Katrina Kaif (drool) is …uuhh…hmm….I don’t remember her acting sorry. Jackie Shroff kills himself at the very start (lucky prick), so can’t say much more about him. The rest are barely functioning in their respective roles. And yes I have left out one, trust me, the less I speak about him the better.

Vijay Krishna Acharya is running out of ideas and this movie highlights his complete and utter lack of creativity, capability and grasp of physics as well. The screenplay, the direction and the sloooowwwww moooootiion make the movie a lot longer than it actually ought to be. The dialogues seem to be written by one of the spot boys on location as I refuse to believe an educated man could write something as excruciatingly bland and dumb as “Is area ki saari hot Asian girls aa ke audition de chuki hai” or “Bank waalon, tumhari aisi ki taisi.”

Mr. Yash Raj, not to be really rude but I have seen Johnny Bravo cartoons that make more sense and I can bet Charlie Sheen in his hay-day with all the drugs and the alcohol in his booze ridden state dangling between a bridge and comatose could puke out a script much better than this.

But alas, this movie ended up doing business worth Rs 200 crore and counting and I can rave and rant here till the cows come home, but as long as there are people willing to shell out the money, Dhoom 4 looks on the cards for sure. (Silent prayer for humanity)

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