Thoughts: Krisshhhiit!!

Yes I saw it…No I don’t know why. Sigh!

I saw this movie a week ago and I can still feel my brain cells slowly packing up and leaving. They are nervous, their voices echo in my head, “What if he decides to watch something like this again? How many more can we survive? 10% of the IQ team left, we are the last remaining…the horror….the HORROR!!” Ironically, the ones left behind were busy calculating the amount of alcohol needed to erase this from memory, and thus after a week of binging, I’m now dumb and drunk enough to do justice to this piece.

The movie can be summarized in three words. EPIC SHIT FEST. Bollywood has once again proven how far behind they are their global counterparts in making super hero movies. In a market where people have seen the likes of The Dark Knight and The Avengers, our internal production houses here make something the guy from “Saw” might force you to watch!

Krrish is still alive and kicking and if that wasn’t disappointing enough he remains the same, bobbling-head-garbage-bag-wearing-button-missing psycho. The movie starts with Krrish trying to live a normal life as Krishna by trying to hold down jobs such as a security guard or a waiter (Kudos to his dad for ending up as a scientist and seeing his son fighting to get blue collar jobs. Father of the Year award nominee.) and getting fired each time because he keeps running around distributing kids a cheap leather bracelet with a ‘K’ on it. But that it not a worry since his wife makes most of the money anyway and his father (who despite speaking like a retard) brings home the bacon. Krishna continues living his easy (and I mean really easy cushy) life.

The movie goes on pretty pointlessly for a while with Hrithik Roshan celebrating his birthday and Priyanka Chopra (whose main role I believe was only to pop out another fruitcake baby) dancing around wearing high heels to songs that could make a deaf person cry.

Enter bad guy, who apparently is a love child of an orgy between Professor Xavier, Jean Gray, a Goth head, a vampire and an eye liner: Kaal (Vivek Oberoi), who can move the whole world mentally but personally only move two fingers and is a super villain who wants money and wants to walk. Kaal of course has henchmen, who all seem to be ‘inspired by’ the X-Men series. We have Frog Man, Cheetah Woman, Ant Man, Scorpio Man, and Rhino Man who are all graduates from the School of Obvious Names for Henchmen. The only point of note is the Hench(wo)men, Maaya (the gorgeous Kangana Raunat who really does do justice to her spandex) whom Kaal has “created” by mixing DNAs with a chameleon. (Somewhere a blue colored Mystique covers herself with a plastic bag and loads a single bullet in the chamber). Maya can change shapes and become another….anything. (Yes you read that right, eat that Hollywood!)

Kaal wants to scare the world, he also wants to walk. Scaring the world is easier, walking a bit more difficult. To be able to walk he needs the bone marrow of Krrish’s dad, and Krrish obviously won’t allow that. Kaal anyway outsmarts Krrish and his dad, steals the bone marrow and becomes Robocop…uuuhhhhh…yea, best way to describe what I saw. Robocop in a cheap aluminum foil, I didn’t know if I was supposed to stick rotis in him to keep them warm or to just claw my eyes out.  Krrish and Kaal then fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, figghhtt, fiiigghhhttt, phew…and after destroying 95% of Mumbai, 40% of a kid’s innocence, 67% of our brain cells and 100% of our time, Krrish finally wins. (Spoiler alert! Yea like you think Kaal would win!!)

The movie has been directed by a 5 yr. old, the dialogues have been written by his 4 yr. old sister and the songs are written by a drunken 5 yr. old monkey. The acting is barely passable. Hrithik Roshan needs to really explain why he bobbles his head when he is wearing the mask, is it that tight, why doesn’t he just loosen the straps a little bit? Secondly, what is with the Marilyn Monroe-esq jacket always flying upwards, where is he standing and why is the wind always blowing up his skirt? Thirdly, why is he wearing a raincoat/garbage bag? The mind boggles!

Next we come to Priyanka Chopra….uuhhh (I forget what she did in the movie). Moving on to the rest of the cast, Vivek Oberoi is sniffing too much paint these days to pick up a role like this and Kangana Raunat…well, she pretty much did this for the money, its apparent.

This brings me to the biggest question, why does Rakesh Roshan want kids to watch this? Does he not want them to grow up in a world much more beautiful than his own? Does he not realize that kids are smarter now than they were before? Does he not know that we get Star Movies and HBO and have (obviously) seen X-Men????

The directing is below par, the action sequences could make onions cry and anything spoken in the movie be it in a dialogue or a song would make you want to pull out  the seat handles and stick them in your ears. This movie is a complete rip off from Hollywood super hero movies and K3 has a line at the end of the movie saying “Kids do not try this at home”, which is ironically something the Hollywood team might have told the guys here whilst attempting super hero movies.

Now I am not one to bad mouth Bollywood just because I think Hollywood movies are cooler, but in line of super heroes, you can’t compare Batman, Avengers, Kickass and the likes to something like Krrish. We still have a very long way to go and sadly due to Krrish, we begin at below ground zero.

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