Thoughts: WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME??!!

It’s been a while since I just shared my thoughts and a view with you folks…isn’t it? I have been busy writing something meaningful, like my wordy movie reviews and my deep thought-provoking poems. (Yes I said thought…believe THAT naysayers). But now I feel there has been enough of the schmooze and non-life affecting topics (unless you really live for my movie reviews) and let’s get down to brass tacks. Let’s talk about people. In specific, let’s talk about the fairer gender and try and answer their question, “Why don’t you love me?”

Over my travels and my infinite meetings with the various life species existing on this planet, I have come upon a various set of reasons which would help answer many of life’s mysteries and questions, but for my mature audience I shall not post these here, cause, face it, would Coke ever give up their formula? Also there is a possibility that you wouldn’t be able to comprehend the answers, as quite frankly, “You can’t handle the truth”. But I digress.

I have found out what it takes for a man to date a woman. And yes, I know what you will say “But how can you know, it’s a human mind with its infinite mysteries, you surely jest”. To you my dear friends, I say, “Bite me!” I know and that is that!

Shown below are the main tips women-folk need to keep in mind whilst searching for the man of their dreams.

Tip 1: The quickest way to get a guy to love you is to look like Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie/Megan Fox, and if you even don’t look like any of them, the lowest I can set the bar is for Katy Perry. If you don’t you are making this very difficult for yourselves. Most men these days are very superficial. (Exhibit A). They like the perky, gorgeous, skin like porcelain, face of an angel with eyes that say “Come hither darling” and a body that just screams “oomph”. Plastic Surgery is a viable and feasible option. Body snatching is another option.

For those of you too fat, too ugly or too cheap for the above mentioned, you now look like a woman who I don’t like. But rest assured, I will still try and help you.

Tip 2: Let’s now move from inner beauty to outer beauty. Location Location Location!

Men are pigs, plain and simple. The very fact that they leave their house implies they are looking to get laid. So for you ladies, this cannot be made easier. Just show up!! Bars and Clubs are obvious places, but expand your horizon, try new places, grocery shops, stationery shops, show rooms, McDs, maybe even a hardware store. All works fine. Just make sure you are wearing a decent attire (skin is “in”) and have your “I’m-flirty-&-fun-&-do-jelly-shots-off-my-belly-button” attitude on.

Tip3: Wingmen need to be clipped. Most men go skirt chasing with a friend, notoriously named ‘wingmen’. The MOST important thing you can do is to stop the wingman’s influence. This can be played out in two ways based on the scenario you are in.

a)      You are with your fugly friend. (Face it, she is fugly. If she isn’t, then the guy you want to go home with will go home with her.)

Ensure your fugly friend falls all over the wingman taking him neatly out of the equation. From the basic of “Oh you are so cute, Haaavvveee u met <insert fugly girl’s name here>, to the more indirect, “My fugly friend here can touch her toes, spends most of her time playing Call of Duty and she’s easy”

Or

b)      You could directly attack the wingman. Keep in mind, his ONLY job there is to talk his friend up. Items like “My buddy here can count to 10 backwards” or  “My good buddy here once saved a baby from a burning building, fought off 3 bank robbers, gave directions to Delta Team Six for Osama’s hideout and helped an old lady cross the street, all before lunch time.” If this be the case, a simple liner to the effect of “Is this, what you get out of bed for? Must be lonely in your life” will be more than enough.

Wingman DOWN… Roger that!

I am personally not for demotivating people and pushing them down, but I do believe that you need to be on equal footing. 1-1 is better than 2-1 (welllll, It can be debated upon…but I digress)

Tip 4: Men have really short attention spans. Like a friggn gnat! So once you are in the environment and have managed to grab his attention, make sure you HAVE IT. Scope out your competition. Here are some key pointers

–          Bunch of woo-girls (Ignore)

–          Blonde wearing short skirt (Keep one eye on)

–          Your college/school/work friend who is your nemesis (Alert)

–          Twins (Red Alert)

–          Asian twins (Pack up and go home, not your day)

The list is not comprehensive, but can be used as a ready reckoner for beginners.

You have his curiosity, now have his attention. (Yes I borrowed that phrase). Try to touch him (no not like that…Sheesh!), play with your hair and ALWAYS leave him guessing. Use words/phrases like “later in the night”, “of course we will”, “bendy”, “tonight”, “easy”, “however you want it” etc. as often in the conversation as possible.

 

Tip 5: Don’t talk about your cats. Here, I am using cats as a reference for “Crazy Cat Lady”. Stop thinking about how your kids will look and which will be the first rehab clinic you send your eldest son to. Stop worrying if your daughter will be hairy or will laser surgery be cheaper later. Eventually crazy wins with you anyway doesn’t it?  Let the crazy out in calm sustained augmentations. After all, if he leaves you, you want him to remember the good times, not key character traits like “knives and scissors” or “dead butterflies mixed with jam in the kitchen”.

 

Above is a simple, easy to use reference guide to make a short term relationship start and work into something nicer. Is ever success is fleeting, this is an example. 🙂

 

Hate the game people, not the player. Peace out.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: