Thoughts: Vishwapoop

Yes I’m back and I am here to share with you my story, for yet again I embarked upon my journey of life. To make my senses feel something they haven’t so far, to  improve my tastes and go after fine art, to drop the beer and drink wine, to drop the graphic novels (despite most of them having some terrific art work) and read classics and yes, the easiest one…to watch a movie which is embroiled in controversy. I went to see Vishwapoop (I’ll get to the name later on)

For the past few weeks the news channels were filled with stories about the great controversy and hoopla surrounding this “menace to Muslims” movie. Bans here, fights there, kill Kamal Hassan and burn his house (leaving Shruti Hassan alone of course) for he who dare speak ill about a religion should be banished from India (a secular land no less) and sent to …well wherever Salman Rushdie and MF Hussain and other such anti religion nuts went! Kamal Hassan has stirred my emotions. Here was a man trying to make a decent living, trying to get by in the cruel world by telling stories, by acting, by sharing his emotions with the world. And this world, this cruel world, would deny him that opportunity! I for one will not stand for it and thus as a show of support (and a tad out of curiosity) the tickets were booked, the date was set the time was finalized and I was ready, raring and gunning for blood.

Show me Kamal Hassan, show me the light….

PLOP!! This was the first sound that I heard in the movie when it made sense. (For those less accustomed it’s the sound of poop falling on the ground)

Here’s the story, the wife hates her husband who she thinks is a gay-whack job. She is thus having an affair with another Indian who is ‘cooler’. Her husband turns out to be a super spy fighting against the Taliban. The affair guy turns out to be a dork who hands her over to the bad guy. Hubby saves the world, kills a few pigeons and gets to sleep with wife. The end!

PLOP!!

The movie has really no decent words to describe it. An aging actor trying to play a part that would require him to be around 30 years younger and probably 20 kilos lighter, throw in two bimbos who wouldn’t know their left from their right but have sizable assets and lesser lines than a tree in a school play. Add a few foreigners who probably have overstayed their visit in Goa and now have no money to get back and to that a bunch of clichés and sad jokes and cover it all up with a retarded story and you have this colossal shit-fest, Vishwaroopam.  The only things that acted decently well were the pigeons. The two females and even the random foreigners cast had more expression than the overly made up Kamal Hassan. A woman who spent the first 15 minutes of the movie showing her assets eventually decides to be a nuclear oncologist working with Caesium. (Boo Hickey! Somewhere in a grave Mendeleev lets out a slight moan). Shooting an assassin the 6th time after the US agents obliterated him, a Faraday shield, Rahul Bose using his phone on the plane, Talibans, it’s just all too much.

I now feel that the possible reason why the Muslim population wanted to ban this movie was possibly due to the fact the most of us in the theatre would have wanted to claw our eyes out in a form of self-mutilation unable to bear the agony. The movie is a mixture of James Bond meets Ethan Hawke and then has a threesome with Jason Bourne; the only difference is that Kamal Hassan (who is supposed to be a result of this spy fest orgy) looks like their father.

If this doesn’t end up on the Razzies or Wooden spoon awards or whatever is the anti of the Filmfare/Zee Awards/Rajniganda awards/Sony Awards etc., I don’t know what will. Not only should the Muslims be asking for a ban on this movie altogether, what they really ought to do it get a mass tort lawyer and ask the marines, the FBI (who have both been shown in really poor light I might add) as well as the Taliban to sue Kamal Hassan for all he is worth. Cause if Kamal Hassan is a spook and leading the race to annihilate the Taliban then it’s definitely not a good sign for us.

Then there are scenes that really make you wonder how sad is our state of affairs while story telling. They were almost going to check a pigeon’s pulse to see if it was dead or not! And one of the bimbos is a (still can’t get over that)….a Nuclear Oncologist. As per the movie she seems like someone who couldn’t give you the chemical composition of water and she is a scientist! She seems more like the type that slept her way through grad school and in the end is so shallow that despite having an extra marital affair is now ready to bed Kamal Hassan just because he isn’t the gay faggot dancer they show him to be at the start. Despite him actually being madly in love with his wife!

A loss of 60 crore is what he claimed and I still feel it’s less. Kamal Hassan needs to not only pay money to those who watch this movie but also buy us pop-corn and Pepsi and give a foot massage during the course of the movie.

Lastly, the name, Vishwapoop. The movie runs over 4 countries, US, Afghanistan, Pakistan and India and it is shitty on all four countries. Thus he has pooped everywhere. Vishwa-poop. World – Poop

Save yourselves the trouble and do something more constructive with your time. The movie has been written, directed, produced and acted in by Kamal Hassan and he deserves to see it himself.

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