Thoughts: If I was a Super-Villian…

  1.     Shoot the damn dog

I know I know, you will all scream “Animal Cruelty!” and most shows have an adorable looking mutt and only the most sadistic of minds would shoot the poor defenseless creature like a Labrador or even a parrot (yes there was movie in which the parrot outsmarted the damn bad guy!!) After all how many of us fell in love with Milo, Stanley Ibkiss’s trusty sidekick or that mutt from The Actor.  But now I request you all to take a minute and put yourself in my shoes. Here I am, trying to rule the world or something like that (still haven’t decided my motive yet) and if humanity would jus bow down to me we could all live or die in peace, but it is not happening so I am resorting to violence and losing to a dumb mutt or a moronic bird is going cost me that!!! So I am sorry Maneka Gandhi I just will do what I have to. There are bigger things at stake than a pooch!

2.       Shoot the hero

No questions asked!  But before I kill him, always ensure to steal the goddamn car, the watch, the pen, glasses, heck, just strip the prick and relive him of ANY items he might have. Batman, James Bond, even Archer, they all have something “cool” which eventually might cost me my…. (Motive!! I still haven’t been able to think of my motive). Also those gadgets would anyway look better on me (well I am narcissistic, it’s an important trait in villains)

Anyway I will still shoot the heroic bastard the minute I see him. No last wishes, no random women dancing while he is tied up, no lavish feasts, no crazy laughter, no tying him up and leaving him believing he will die…no no no no. Nothing random, just two in the chest one in the head…right between the eyes.

3.       Take no prisoners

Hostages are really a pain in the wrong place. I mean if I a robbing a bank, I aint going all guns blazing, if I am taking over a hotel, I ain’t letting people stay in, if I am ….you get the drift! I mean I am already under undue stress of robbing, pillaging or whatever I am doing (Diam…I really need a motive!!!) and I don’t need any stupid idiots judging me, passing stupid statements like “Oh how could you!!” or pregnant women going in labor right then and there spoiling my crime scene! Nor do I want too many variables in one place, too many people sitting and thinking of how to call the cops or how to play hero.

I ain’t letting anyone go to pee, I am not going to say, “Its gonna be ok. Just stay calm!” If I plan to rob a bank, I shall kill the bank manager, kill the teller, the receptionist and anyone who evens looks at me cross eyed. If I am taking over a hotel, I’m going to pretty much burn the plants in there too! You guys get the idea I think.

4.       Have an escape plan

Yes its possible!! Someone somewhere somehow might find a way to take me down. I mean what if the whole world tries…I’m sure that there would be some dumb luck where someone would be able to reach where I am and stop me from…..(uuuuhhhh….SHIITEE I REALLY need a MOTIVE!!!) doing whatever evil dastardly plan I was planning to do. I am narcissistic, I am NOT stupid!! (Why else would I be making this

There needs to be an exit strategy, it’s always supposed to be there. A fool proof one, one way in, one way out and no vents!! Walls to be think and unbreakable and made of something wolverine’s blades where made of … adamantium or something like that. Whichever idiot manages to reach to the end is only going to hear me say “You’ll never take me alive you idiots” (and no I am not killing myself). They wouldn’t cause I would be in my …. Safe house. (I promise I’ll think of a better word)

5.       Bombs go off in less than 5 sec.

Two reasons to use a bomb…self destruct my secretive layer which has been compromised or just blow up a place to ensure people are afraid (or for fun I suppose)! Now when I place these bombs it’s not going to have its own sweet time to blow. I mean the frigging PURPOSE of a bomb is to go Ka-BOOM. So I am going to help the bomb GO off!!

Also most of the people get enough time to run…and I mean really run away. Bombs for self destruction are meant for self destruction….I mean what the hell is up with the, “this place will self destruct in t minus a bazillion minutes”. I mean in 3 minutes I could be in Timbukatoo!! So what’s the use of self destructing my layer which I have no doubt put in a massive amount of money to build and decorate in post modern Gothic era. Bombs are going to go off as soon as possible.

6. Super-heroes…stay away!

I am not robbing towns with superheroes in them. Nope, not happening, not at all, not one bit. The world is big enough for two people to exist. I mean why do I risk all of it even before something begins? Why do I fight a battle I don’t “need” to. It would just be plain stupid of me to jump the gun and get head on with someone who in all probability is stronger and faster than me.  I mean if Batman is in Bangalore I am moving to Kanpur or Ghuwati or some other place. And if I am going to go head on with some freak of nature, I am going to find out the chink in their armour even before I rob a candy store of some liquorish. It just makes sense, if superman is here, I am keep kryptonite in my pocket until I either die of radiation of he does! If James bond is here I am keeping myself surrounded by babes cause I know he would rather tackle them than me! If Batman is here….you get the drift.

7. Kill the kid

Nope! Not taking chances. Kids are creepy when they grow up with a motive and just one motive to kill ME. I mean if it was up to me I would ask the kid to disappear ASAP or just wrap him/her up as well. Who wants a creepy kid walking around with a gun in his hand? Add to it, you know his future aint going to be great. I mean if he is gonna kill me, n I know he will. He would end up in prison or dead himself. So how does that help anyone?? I am dead, the world remains dumb to the whole episode and the kid either ends up on the street; or an orphanage with a priest (which could be even worse) or in prison (if he manages to kill me) so it’s not working out for him/her anyway right? Thus just put them out of their misery as well. NO?

This is not a rave or a rant, it is just good and meticulous planning from my side. I doubt I would ever be a super villain but I know some of you are one chemical accident away from becoming the Joker. So until I can find my motive you guys can rest assured. It is not an issue and for those who are planning a major life changing decision sometime soon, keep these notes handy, you can thank me when your domination is complete 🙂


4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Niv on July 17, 2012 at 2:59 PM

    Interesting…. Kill the hero and just take his gadgets? What about the hot chick on his arm? It’s always a good idea to take her as well in case you have to resort to blackmailing or kidnapping say when all the gory shooting the dog/cat/kid/parrot doesn’t work… At least it makes for a sordidly fun film.


  2. Refer to point number 3….I will be taking no prisoners. Too much jhanjhat nah!


  3. Posted by Niyo on July 18, 2012 at 4:13 AM

    Prateek Singh… rofl.. Felt like a dialogue with you.. maybe a drunk one.. Amusing! and very insightful..


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