Thoughts: My ex is an @55#0!3

I am yet to hear ONE female state that her ex-bf was ugly.

From the short, random survey I ran.

Most women I know who would have read this line will shake their head in disbelief stating things like,” Oh no no, I was dating a George Clooney lookalike before this current one and he was a dynamite in the sack”.

So my question is…”If your ex was a donkey with the stamina of a horse!!…well then, why the fuck did you guys break up?”

(Stunned silence)

The FACTS

Let’s face it, ugly people die.

So if you guys and girls are currently reading this, do feel a bit better about yourselves, you probably made it to the next level of evolution.

What is that I hear? You don’t believe me? I thought as much. Listen up.

(Men and Women listen with rapt attention)

The THEORY

Do you remember the Fatboy slim video in which he shows us the evolution of human beings from a single celled organism? (for those less familiar with that song, Kudos! for surviving the natural order of evolution.  HOW THE FUCK AREN’T YOU DEAD YET!! It’s called “Right Here Right Now”)

Did you think that the first animal shown in that was really good looking? It looked like a cross between a sperm and something Charlie Sheen threw up after a night of drinking. Was the alligator good looking? Was the damn gorilla someone you would have an arranged marriage with??? WAS EARLY MAN SHOWN THERE A RAMP WALKER?? No right? Compared to all of those we ALL deserve to be beauty crown winners. (Some more than others, but yes, it’s the basic jist!)

Thus, in conclusion, evolution causes ugly people to die and better looking ones carry on into future generations. (No wonder all the female aliens are so hot….Aliens, Star Trek, Star Wars etc)

(Geeks nod in approval)

The Difference

So coming back to my original point….exes according to what I hear are ALWAYS hot. Men on the other hand consider their exes to be Rakhi Sawant without the implants. So they break up cause “Like yea dude! She was like oh I wanna get married, or oh I’m pregnant or oh why don’t you spend more time with me, oh why don’t you love me (boo hoo sob sob)….”  Few of the various reasons

(men nod in approval, women nod in realization)

In Conclusion

Women need to wake up and realize that it’s just really very creepy how each of their exes were uber-cool, smart enough to be in NASA and with a tree trunk in their pants and the ONLY reason  they broke up was cause, “We were just different people and it wasn’t working out. His rock hard abs, the tombstone sized bulge in his pants and his wit which was so legendary that there were folklore about ithem…it wasn’t working out cause we were different people” BLEH!

(Guys nod in approval, women have disdain/disbelief/shock/sickened look on their face)

Now from this theory there are three points in conclusion

  1. Although a few of you ugly people are alive, evolution WILL take its course and you will not survive longer. So be thankful for making it this far in the human race and wish you all the best in the afterlife. Peace out!
  2. Guys….you can’t dump women cause of their body stats, you dump them cause they are
    1. Too needy
    2. Too greedy
    3. Too seedy (want your seed aka “shaadi kar lo mujhse abhi”)
  3. Girls….your ex is a jackass, was a jackass and will remain a jackass. Never talk about him. Not now, not during arguments, not during sex and definitely not during the time when the guy is watching his team play. No….uh huh…..nope…never…ever….zilch..zero. STOP! He is an ex and there is a reason for that. Deal with it!

(waits for applause to die down)

Thank you and g’nite! 🙂

Peace

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5 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Satyam on August 12, 2011 at 5:45 PM

    Totally dude!!……..Funny but true…….Women please don’t talk about yer exes……it is physically painful to hear so much bullshit…….

    Reply

  2. Posted by hobbes on August 12, 2011 at 6:48 PM

    here is something guys like u shud knw but dont understand. not written by me ..of course.

    Universal truths that all men should–but don’t–understand

    1. Saying “I love you” immediately before, during, or following sex doesn’t count.

    2. Real men drive stick shift.

    3. I will leave if you lie.

    4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

    5. I’m convinced I’m pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

    6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

    7. “Fine” is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

    8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it’s about you.

    9. I’m terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

    10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

    11. I expect you to call me.

    12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

    13. I’m scared of losing my independence.

    14. I’m more forgiving of you than I really should be.

    15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.

    16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I’m not. (See directly above.)

    17. If I’m not having sex with you, I’m… a. …having a fat day. b. …not feeling “connected” to you. c. …blackmailing you to get something I want.

    18. Shoes determine whether you’re fashionable or not.

    19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I’m not afraid to use it.

    20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
    21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we’re just going to the movies.

    22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.

    23. You should never tell me what to do.

    24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.

    25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.

    26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

    27. I’m very impressed when you ask for my advice.

    28. I’m unimpressed with a man who doesn’t take the lead.

    29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.

    30. I want to be Madonna.

    31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.

    32. I’m in heaven when you hold my hand.

    33. You’re sexy when you’re shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

    34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

    35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

    36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you–and for you to recognize this.

    37. If I’m not feeling loved, I will start looking….

    38. Discussion of ex-gf’s and ex-bf’s should be avoided at all times.

    39. I like it when you tell me what you’re thinking, even if you don’t know yourself.

    40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it’s only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
    41. I love it when you’re sweaty.

    42. It’s best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.

    43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

    44. I like porn.

    45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

    46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

    47. It’s cheating as soon as you’re doing something with her that you wouldn’t want me to see, hear, read…

    48. For the record: I’d rather you break up with me than cheat.

    49. I remember everything about our relationship.

    50. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.

    Reply

  3. Lol. You have nailed it…

    Reply

  4. @Hobbes: Pretty accurate, thanq fr th heads up. 🙂

    Reply

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