Thoughts: Machete = Mexican (James Bond+Robo Cop+Rambo+Danny Trejo)

If there was ever a greater movie made in the world of artistic cinema it would be the beginning of the end of the world.

Danny Trejo as the lead actor and Steven Segal as the main bad guy make for a box office smash hit! Steven Segal is what every ju-jitsu/takwando/karate/kragmaga/super ninja (yes I said SUPER Ninja…Ninja is just too less for him!)/shaolin soccer expert hopes and dreams to achieve…..become a bad actor in a martial arts flick!

Danny Trejo is so ugly that he would make healthy kids fall sick! I have no friggin clue as to how Lindsay Lohan (yes she is there in the movie and no she is not under the influence of any substance this time, but then since she was frolicking around naked in the swimming pool with Danny Trejo I hope she was high enough!) made out with him in the movie. Leave aside LL….the very hot Jessica Alba (hubba hubba!!) ALSO makes out with him. People!! What is the world coming to!

Anyway, all that left aside, Machete is movie about a Mexican super-cop Machete (Danny Trejo) who goes after the drug lord Torrez (Stevie Segal) and ends with losing his entire family, who are sliced and diced by Torrez. (Haaiyyyaa!) Swearing revenge Machete escapes to the good ‘ol US of A and starts working as cheap labor. Micheal Booth (Jeff Fahey) who is sleazy businessman, then picks up Machete and asks him to pop Senator John McLaughlin (Robert DeNiro; can’t give you details of why, since it would spoil the movie) Things go wrong and Machete ends up a wanted man. Setting out to clear his name Machete picks up his machetes and then what follows are over the top, absolutely ridiculous scenes that pop up every five minutes and make for a joyous film experience. Loads of gory be-headings, blood-splattering gunshots, and limb removals to wet your lips in anticipation…. And don’t even get me started on the stabbings. To add the cherry on top, the movie is shot perfectly, fluidly and inventively. Machete is completely….. to borrow a phrase….“mind-blasting”!!

The cast is finely assembled and everyone right from DeNiro to Steven Segal does a great job. (Yes I know I am surprised that Steven Segal can act too!!). The femme fatale cast holds their own.  Jessica Alba, Lohan and Michelle Rodrigez (yea yea I know what you guys are thinking, and had that been done this movie would have been even cooler. 🙂 )

Danny Trejo (at the age of 65+ no less!!) does a decent job of acting in an action packed movie and for those of you who are Robert Rodriguez fans don’t dare miss this one. But just to give you a fair warning, for those who haven’t watched cults like Sin City, Once upon a time in Mexico, Planet Terror and the above mentioned Grindhouse or have watched it and not liked them…two things….a) get a life and b) develop some taste in your life!!

Machete is a movie that could not have more, the movie is corny, violent and cheap and THAT makes it an awesome B-movie to watch.

 

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