Thoughts: Theory of Alternates!

THEORY OF ALTERNATES!

Welcome to Sex 702 (means it is an advanced class!! If you didn’t understand that, stop reading and please close the blog)

Today gentlemen I shall try and explain the inner workings of a women’s mind. Ladies…you can sit and jus nod in approval. Its basically the concept of how women choose their mate.(Yes I meant sex…and if you didn’t understand that then I had asked you earlier to stop reading earlier. I know you now!!)

Now for the uninitiated let me begin with the basics.

 

Lesson 1: The Rating Scale

It’s a basic scale of 1 to 10 of one, being the ugliest sonofabitch on the face of the planet. The Coyote Ugly stuff…1 means the person is so ugly that they would make a leper’s skin crawl, a person so ugly that if he/she entered an ugly contest they would say “Sorry no professionals, so ugly that they could possible audition for King Kong and would need the monkey suit, so ugly that if they walk anywhere the security turn off the surveillance cameras, so ugly that Halloween was shifted to coincide with their b’day, so ugly that when they draw a bath in the tub, the damn water jumps out (You get the picture nah…and if you didn’t then I know its YOU, been telling you to stop reading, bugger off!)

So anyway, 1 is ugly, and yes there is a term like ugly for all those “oh-so-righteous” people on Earth (you know who you are). Everyone is not born beautiful; some of you unfortunately look like Chewbacca! (The Monkey from Star Wars…sheesh you are really slow aren’t you!) And 10 means Hot……oh so hot!! Like Munni (Drool!!)

Anyway now that we got that out of the way, let us move on.

 

Lesson 2: Meet the Cast

There are 4 people in the story;

Girl A (rating scale 9)

Girl B (rating scale 6)

Guy C (rating Scale 9)

Guy D (rating scale 4)…please keep note of the ratings of the cast.

 

Lesson 3: The theory

Girls usually do not know what they want!

 

Lesson 4: The Scene

Now lets assume Girl A is looking for a guy…you know to make merry, take back to he windmills, to boink, etc. Now Girl A has two options either Guy C or Mr Chewbacca Tyson aka Guy D.

Quick Trivia: Which one would she choose? (And yes they are the only guys in question; if your first answer was Brad Pitt or some shit like that … you are the dumbest person ever to walk the face of the planet. You are so dumb that you probably would get run over by a parked car, you are one who probably would sit on the TV and watch the couch; you would probably be charged half by a psychic because you are a half-wit, and you would lose Jeopardy to Chewbacca!! I’m warning you. Stop reading it, it won’t make sense to you. Sheesh)

Well anyway, moving on from that rant. If you people chose Guy C (buzzzzzzz) wrong answer! She would choose Guy D!!!

 

Lesson 5: The reason

Girls are too judgmental. If they see a guy who is a possible 9 on the rating scale instead of trying to seduce him, the only thing that goes through their heads is that,” If I find him hot, he probably is and thus he would be a ‘playa’, which means he would boink me and leave me and I can’t have that”. Women don’t trust men who they deem to be out of their league.

There are two possible reasons for this.

a)      They would consider themselves not “upto his standards”. They would end up feeling like the guy is so hot, he should be with someone hotter. This is called the ‘pity thyself’ syndrome. Or

b)      Another possible reason could be that since the basic theory remains the same. Women want to be pampered. So if they end up choosing Guy C which would make it a relationship of equals, they would flinch, as they would rather have a doormat. So instead of choosing the guy who is probably better, she ends up for the other one! Guy D. This is called the “Dominatrix” syndrome

 

Lesson 6: The aftermath

Guy D is overjoyed. He is so fucking happy that he can’t wipe the grin off his face. He just wants to boink her Leave aside the facts that he too would dump her sorry butt later, but for now, HE is the knight in shining amour for the Girl A. She chose him!! And since he can’t believe his luck that a girl who is a 9 would want to be with him leave alone sleep with him, he does everything not to blow it aka pampering the girl (aka pussy whipped!!).

Now Guy D was originally with Girl B. Now lets not get me wrong, I’m sure Girl D has a “great personality” (hahahahaha) but yea….she looks like she could scare a scarecrow out of its friggn straws! So now Guy D (Kudos to him) does what is termed as an ‘upgrade’. He dumps the uglier chick for the hotter one. Girl B is now heartbroken, but then starts searching for another guy. (awww…poor thing)

Guy C..well he just gets the short end of the straw. It’s a curse being too hot as well!

 

Lesson 7: The Moral

Thus people, lets not forget that whenever a women says she wants the perfect guy, she is talking about the peon, xerox machine guy, auto driver, movie usher….since they are “oh-so-cute” and would treat the women like princesses. Whereas those of you who think if they want an actually decent guy…you are sadly mistaken. Its only guys who really say what they want, the other sex just doesn’t make sense. I have met enough women in my life who claim that the guy who last boinked them was “sweet”, “charming”, “great personality”, “Funny”, “blah blah blah”….aka ugly enough to make the devil himself jump up in alarm.

 

THE END

 

Don’t think that there is any more to this….it wasn’t something with a solution. But if any of you (who are crazy enough to read the crap I write) have a solution please do send it over. Prizes in store for the best answers. J

 

 

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9 responses to this post.

  1. Well I hope you have early bird prizes 😛

    OK! coming to the point… as stated it is a theory not a problem 🙂 so you could agree and justify or disagree and do the same.

    Well in term of solution, I guess you mean how do we get the match the following right? Firsts of all perfect couples can be found only in Disney… 🙂 In any case the scenario presented is a lab condition and there could be more to the decesion…

    * we can assume that more powerful non emotional factors ( considering you ruled of funny, nice blah blah) like money and social status (blah blah) influenced the decesion

    * it could also atribute to physics… reaction needs action… so considering the fact that in this case we saw no indication that Guy C making any effort at all ( he was as much potential energy as a syntax water tank sitting on a rooftop) and considering the fact that Guy D made efforts in terms of flattery and pampering (kinetic energy) … he gets a reaction from interestingly from both chics… ( why am I not surprised!)

    In like Vanatage Point spin off : You have given a guy C persepective ( D is not complaining… B was a prop mention and A was the culprit) so…

    Reply

    • FYI….it was taken under ideal situations. Guy D gets the chance to do all that, Guy C does not even get the chance to start with all the flattery etc. That was the main point of contention. The fact remains that when Guy C starts with his flattery for Girl A she already has made up his mind about him.(aka he is a ‘playa’!) He does not start on an equal footing with Guy D since Guy D (being the ugly one) is considered for all his non superficial traits (he ‘might’ be sweeter or whatever) But Guy C?? Even if he is GENUINELY a nice guy will never get a word edgewise with Girl A as he would be considered the hot one who would probably want to bed her and dump her, which i repeat…need not be true. Its a sad ass stereotype for girl A and Guy C.

      Reply

  2. Posted by Satyam on October 20, 2010 at 7:38 PM

    Well what you have written does sort of make sense. I mean rarely have i seen a partnership of equals when it comes to relationships. However, Guy C, would normally get his share of poontang. I mean then whats the point in being Guy C? He might get the short end of the stick when it comes to something long term but he could be the one-night stand emperor.

    Now Guy D might and i mean might get girl A. A girl loves the princess treatment, but too much of the pussywhipped in a guy and she will start to look for alternatives. she has lost the excitement because guy D is too busy making sure Girl A sticks around. Now, a Guy A comes into the picture and promises excitement and fun and Girl A goes all starry-eyed. So just like Last Tango in Paris, and Enrique music videos both of them have their fun till Guy A gets shot or run over. Girl A goes, “oh that was fun while it lasted and finds another Guy A or Guy D and the cycle begins again. In other words, its all fcuked up man……(blows thick smoke into the air before passing out)

    Reply

    • Guy C might get a one off booty call, but he shall never get Girl A (who is for all arguments an 8+ in every aspect). He might bed an alcohol infested chick now and then, but just that. Guy D on the other hand will have Girl A for all 200+ positions of kamasutra!!
      The pussy whipped part is true, but you see that is the beauty of it…..Guy D will do whatever told. Girl A would love the fact that he dances on her fingers…heck she might shoot his mom and still get away with it! But yea, that was what i stated in the blog as well. 🙂 (Refer Lesson 3)

      Reply

      • well lesson 3 contested… the girl knew what she wanted 😛 the girl did not know what Guy C wanted 😛

      • Its based on a more generic trait have. Women claim they want Guy C. If you ask a girl how the guy should be, its more often than not the description of Guy C. But they end up for Guy D. Thus i stated that as lesson 3.

  3. Posted by Niyati on October 27, 2010 at 12:37 PM

    Prateek Singh…
    How insightful…
    Reading this made me feel like I am avesdropping a conversation that you were having with yourself…
    Dnt agree in most parts (Am sure you know why).. bt thoroughly entertaining…

    Reply

  4. hmmm …. m gonna voice the exact opposite thought here

    the girl A falls for the guy C … but guy C being the jerk he is is also aware of being the guy C and so he doesn value the girl A instead decides tht since she pretty, smart and all … she would not be the doormat he would like her to be and would not fuss over him as he would like her to. therefore, the guy C decides to go for the more simple demure girlB who would be swept off by his very presence …. So the girl A more often than not has no other option than go for the guy D…

    Reply

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