Despair

“A hope is a good thing, in fact it is one of the best things we have”……never have truer words been said. The hope to live, the hope to survive , the hope to succeed,  to do better, to exceed, to achieve the impossible…..hope is what mankind bases itself on. How realistic is hope? How well worth is it? I talk to people and all they can offer me is good wishes and ‘hope’ that I get better soon. It’s ludicrous….its strange how they think that ‘hope’ is what will make me all good again.

I twisted my ligament in a battle of man against machine….the bigger machine won!! My bantam piece of metal lost out in a battle of will to the bigger meaner piece of man’s twisted design in machinery. In the end I lost the one thing I loved and cared the most about……my pride, my passion, my love….my will, my need, my desire. It seems strange to think about it, but I know I caused it, and I knew I must suffer for it, but I never in my wildest dreams ever thought about giving up.

A foolhardy truck with more clout than my poor baby could ever muster and I like Quixote charging into it….I wonder if I’ll ever be forgiven. I wonder if I’ll ever be the same, I wonder if I’ll ever be my true self, I wonder if I’ll ever be happy…or will I have to pull my mask a little more tighter and smile away and beam with (or at) the world like I usually do. I know in spirit that I will never forgive myself, for I let myself down, i did what I shouldn’t have done and paid the heaviest of prices for it.

My dream, my hurt, my hope, all hinged apparently at my knee and I never believed that I may at one point have to give it all…or give up. A friend told me about Ripley’s and tried to sway me in her life of optimism by stating that “stranger things have happened” when I told her about the disappointment in me to be unable to kick a ball with my right foot. I thank her sanguinity and I admired her buoyancy and her perkiness. I sense joy for the purity and innocence in her voice trying to convince the voices in my head…..But damn if they listen!!

I could say that I have no regrets, for “It could have been worse” but I would be lying….to myself, to my superiors and to the one who knows it all. I do have regrets; I regret having ever gone there. I regret not being there once I got there. I regret coming back. I regret not being able to see the road. I regret putting purity at risk and I regret placing it in grave danger. I regret putting it all up for grabs….for nothing!!

As Oscar Wilde said “Experience is the name one gives to their mistakes” I come out of this one a broken, shattered and shadow of who I should be on a field but a veteran none the less.

“Good Judgement comes from Experience, and Experience comes from bad Judgement”

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